The Daily Bs from http://The-Three-Bs.com
Here are March and April’s Daily Bs from http://The-Three-Bs.com
4/29/11
Breaking News: Sharks love the taste of Wings.
The Sharks and Red Wings are set to square off in the Western Conference Semi-Finals tonight inSan Jose.I will be in attendance.I plan on being loud, obnoxious, and somewhat inebriated.
I do not change who I am for the playoffs.
Playoff Hockey can only be truly appreciated live.It has everything I love about sports: excitement, emotion, and drama.
I plan on catching most of Lincecum’s start against the Nationals at the Brit before the puck drops.
I have made it a point to watch a few Nationals games since F.P. Santangelo took the color analysis job with the team.
Goodness, I feel for the guy.How does F.P. deal with Bob Carpenter on a daily basis without becoming a raging alcoholic?
Most baseball fans are familiar with Bob Carpenter as he has done MLB game for ESPN for years.I have always enjoyed his voice and pace on the ESPN broadcasts.
My enjoyment of Carp diminishes with each Nationals game I watch.Maybe F.P. and Carp haven’t had enough time to build chemistry with each other.One thing is for sure, there is no natural chemistry between the two.
Here are a couple of quick exchanges from Carp and F.P.:
Man on 1st base with 1 out (pitcher not up).
Carp: “Should he bunt (Sacrifice) here?”
F.P.: “No.”
For non-stitch heads: No normal thinking baseball brain would sacrifice bunt with one out and a man on first (unless the pitcher was at bat).
A pitch thrown an eyelash off the plate called a ball.
F.P. “Wayyyy outside.”
Carp: “No way, that was really close.”
(This instance happens about once a game)
Poor Carp doesn’t get F.P.’s sarcasm, which is half of his shtick.
Here is my conclusion on Bob Carpenter: Carp has a great voice but rarely says anything of substance.He is the announcer version of a gorgeous dumb chic.Eventually you will see through the beauty and only notice the flaws.
The NFL Draft:
Patrick Conner (@pcon34) player bios on KNBR were the sole reason I enjoyed Thursday’s first round. They were informative and full of sexual innuendo.Right up my alley.P-Con would fit in nicely with the Three Bs crew.
I owe him a few drinks for the laughs.
Good bye Michael Scott:
LJ and I popped a bottle ofChampagnefor Michael Scott’s last appearance on the office.It was a sad television moment. A tear or two may or may not have been shed on the couch.
Michael Scott’s final line on the office was perfect.
Michael Scott: “I can’t wait to get this off my chest. (Microphone taken off and then no sound but Michael’s lips mouthed) That’s what she said.”
Television will miss you.
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4/28/11
The early morning start time made following the game rather difficult today.I had to (Gasp!) fulfill my job responsibilities.I caught about an innings worth of action on television while I followed the rest of the game on ESPN’s GameCast.I have yet to buy my ipad and Slingbox.I need these two items for my future sanity.
Congratulations to Ryan Vogelsong who earned his first major league win since 2005.His stat line of 5.2 IN, 2 ER, 4 H, 2 BB, and 8 Ks would have been The Spiritual Southpaw’s best performance of the year.
Vogelsong must be on cloud nine.
If Vogelsong doesn’t know how to get to cloud nine, I am sure tomorrow’s starter can help him find his way.
Los Gigantes went 2-24 with RISP for the three game series.That is not a recipe for winning a series.I will take it, los Gigantes haven’t fared too well in theSteelCityover the past few years.
A Three Bs observation:
I have talked to KJ and RT about the lineup the past few days.We all feel it is about time to switch Aubrey Huff and Pablo Sandoval in the batting order.I wouldn’t be surprised if the switch happens sooner than later.Pablo looks like an improved more polished 2009 version of himself.He is averaging a career high 3.75 pitches per plate appearance and swinging at a career low 52% of pitches thrown his way.
Plate discipline on and off the field has helped the Kung Fu Panda.
Goodbye to Michael Scott:
Tonight will be Michael Scott’s last scheduled (I guarantee he will be on the series finale) appearance on “The Office”.The show has not been as good the last few seasons, but last week’s “Dundies” episode reminded everyone how great the show used to be, as it was the best episode from the past 3 seasons.
I salute you Michael Scott.I wore a women’s suit at work today in your honor.
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4/26/11
Los Gigantes got swept by the Braves and I still managed to have a great weekend.Is this the first sign of maturity?
I hope not.
The Top 3 items from the weekend:
1. RT got engaged.
My longtime best friend asked his girl to marry him.He was on a beach in Hawaii, had a huge rock, and there might have been alcohol involved.How could she say no?
Congratulations to RT and Ashley.
Love you guys.
I was informed that I will be the best man and will need to tackle the challenge of throwing the bachelor party.
It is a great honor, I will do my best to re-create “The Hangover”, but I will add baseball references into the dialog.
2. My Pops found a new job.
My Pops has been out of a job for the last 6 months.He found an employer that recognizes and appreciates what he can bring to the company.I have no doubts he will kick ass.
3. I had my first Television interview.
It was local, the lights were bright, and I was nervous.I was a little stiff.I should have had a drink or three.I was interviewed about the online gambling sites that were shut down and how it has affected brick and mortar Casinos. I have a good amount of knowledge on the subject but I am not sure how well it translated into the clip they played.I did feel good that most of the information I gave to the reporter was used in the story.
I did look damn good.It was Orange Friday.I always wear the Orange Tie on Orange Friday.
This was my first TV appearance since RT and I were kicked out of Pac Bell/SBC/AT&T Park.I am definitely telling that story along with The $200 French Fries stories at RT and Ashley’s wedding.
Easter Baseball:
I attended Los Gigantes and Braves game with my Pops on Easter Sunday.It was a beautiful day at the yard.I met Pops at 21st Amendment to have a holy beer. I got a Double Daddy (Speakeasy Brewery was a guest brew) since it was 9.5% and we were in a rush.
Dear Shaun,
Do not pound 9.5% beers. Do not pound 9.5% beers.Do not pound 9.5% beers.
Thank you,
Shaun
Pops and I received what appeared to be the last 2 replica World Series trophies at the gate.People were lined up at 8:30am to get the giveaway.They are currently selling for $50+ on ebay.People are sick.
I may use Gorilla Glue to glue the base of the trophy on the hood of my car where the BMW logo is.It may add value to my 230k mile car.
I did do something at the game I cannot remember doing since I have been able to drive.
I left as the game was headed to the 10th inning. The choice was not mine.I had to cover a shift for an employee at work.
I know, Sacrilege on Easter Sunday.
I ended up 45 minutes late to work.Maybe it was good I didn’t have to see the Miguel Tejada Statue not move for the Nate Mclouth 46-hopper into center field.
Miggy looks older than the 48 years of age he is listed in the media guide.
Los Gigantes are in Pittsburgh to face a family friend in Clint Hurdle.
Clint is one of my favorite people in baseball.I wish him all the success in the steel city, but I hope Los Gigantes put a hurting on the BucOs.I am looking forward to Ryan Vogelsong’s start on Thursday. He is facing the team he was traded to in 2001 from the team he was traded from.Is there such thing as double motivation? That was one of San Francisco’s two trade rapes of the Pirates in the last decade.
2001: Pittsburg received Armando Rios and Ryan Vogelsong while San Francisco netted Jason Schmidt and John Vanderwall.
2009: Pittsburg received Tim Alderson while San Francisco received Freddy Sanchez.
In both cases, Los Gigantes came up short reaching the playoffs in the year they made the trade but ended up in the World Series the next year.
What’s the Moral of the Story?Make a trade with Pittsburg!
I wrote Trade Rape and laughed, maturity be damned.
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4/20/11
Yesterday I placed the failed Lincecum no-hit bid squarely on the broad shoulders of Kenneth Jones.He handled the weight well and used his powerful JuJu to help Bay Area sports last night.
KJ used his JuJu on Ubaldo in the first inning, capped by another monstrous potato from Pablo Sandoval.Neil Everett of ESPN had one of the better lines I have heard on SportsCenter in a while: “The Panda lost 40 punds but still feasts on sliders.”
Yum Yum.
Give Pablo the MVP award if he continues his pace .328/.400/.603 with 48 HRs and 148 RBI.
…and Pablo just strained his right triceps.That never would have happened last year.Good to know he has muscles to strain now.
KJ’s JuJu was also placed on the Los Angeles Kings at the 19:12 mark in the 2nd period.As all Sharks fans know (and most sports fans inAmerica know by now) the Kings held a 4-0 lead, the game seemed all but over.
KJ turned to the A’s game (Andersondominated). I was disgusted.I flipped over to the A’s game and caught a little bit of the other late MLB games on the Extra Innings package (Best $$$ I have ever spent.The GF will probably hate me by July).I flipped back to the Sharks game, not because I felt they could come back. I truly thought the game and maybe the season was being flushed down the toilet.I turned back because my friend Nick alerted me he was playing “Shots for Goals.”The name says it all.I was now rooting for goals of any kind, especially once he told me that he was asked to come into work early the next morning.
3:08 into the 2nd period, Patty lights the lamp, 4-1 Kings.
6:53 into the 2nd period, Clowe puts the biscuit in the basket, 4-2 Kings
SLY: “Got a new game here.”
KJ: “Wake me when they get within a goal.”
13:32 into the 2nd period, Couture puts one in the old onion bag (resorting to soccer scoring references), 4-3 Kings.
SLY: “Ummm 4-3.”
13:47 into the 2nd period, Evil Ryan Smyth puts one in for the Kings, 5-3.
SLY: “Ummm 5-3, efffing Ryan Smyth.”
18:35 into the 2nd period, Clowe scores his second goal of the period, 5-4 Kings.
SLY: “5-4.”
KJ did not return any of these messages.He was concentrating his entire JuJu on the Kings.
It worked.
19:29 into the 2nd period, The Big Pavelski tied up the game.
(How many big time goals does this guy deliver?)
KJ: “Boom!!!!!!”
What a freaking period, 7 goals and 7 shots for Nick.He is a huge Sharks fan, I am sure the 5 shots from the Sharks went down like velvet.
Los Gigantes were playing in Coors Field, the way the goals were being put on the board; I had to wonder if this game was being played there as well.The non-humidor pucks must have been put into play.
The Kings brought out the pucks stashed in the humidor for the 3rd period.
The pucks from the humidor worked as there was no offense.
Overtime Playoff Hockey; try to convince me there is any sport with more drama.
3:09 into OT, Setoguchi scores one of the biggest goals in Sharks history.
I loved Setoguchi’s celebration; it was very Jonathon Cheechoo like.
One of my pet peeves (Not having Heinz ketchup at a restaurant is one.) is when announcers or writers proclaim an event or occurrence is unbelievable.It is one of the most over used phrases in sports.
I will never patronize your establishment if you serve this.
This was one time where I was not upset that Randy Hahn dropped an UNBELIEVABLE!!!
It truly was.
I imagine the 11th and final shot of the night for Nick went down easier than the first 10.
Final Note:
A very Happy 23rd Birthday to Brandon Belt, whose birthday gift from Los Gigantes was a free plane ticket back to Fresno.
Someone remind the kid about a guy named Matt Williams.
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4/19/11
The Juju That Ruined The No-Hit Bid
Tim Lincecum’s no hit bid ended in the 7th inning on a 3-1 fastball that Carlos Gonzalez smacked into right field.Who was the happiest the no-hit bid failed?
A gigante Gigantes fan.
I am talking about Kenneth Jones, or as he is known on The Three Bs: KJ.
KJ was in a classroom 1,240 miles west of Coors Field.He had no access to a television and his ipod cannot pick up an AM radio signal.KJ’s blackberry (MLB.com and my BBMs) was his only source of updates.
(Insert Slingbox Plug here.)
BBM Messaging:
6:57pm
SLY: “The hit column has 0 hits for theRockiesthrough 5.”
KJ: “I see said the blind man.”
7:08pm
SLY: “Six innings complete.”
KJ: “FML”
(For those of you who do not know 14 year old girl lingo; FML stands for Fuck My Life.)
KJ did not want this no-hit bid to go down for a couple of reasons:
1.Nobody wants to hear about or watch the highlights of a no-hitter. We (fans) need to watch it live.We want to brag to our friends that we watched the game from the beginning.
(I have only watched two no-hitters from 1st to last pitch: 1. Kevin Millwood vs. Los Gigantes and Jonathon Sanchez vs. The Fathers.
This is why ESPN will always break programming and go to a no-hitter in progress.
2.He missed most of Jonathon Sanchez’s no hitter in 2009.He was at dinner with the lovely KTbug.He loves KTbug, but this had to kill him inside.I know how upset I would be.
Note to all girls.If a pitcher from your man or woman’s (politically correct) favorite team is throwing a no-no or perfect game, please allow them to drop whatever they are doing immediately and proceed straight to a television set.
If we are not allowed to do this, we will always hold some sort of resentment for the remainder of the relationship.
With these two reasons, KJ did not want Big Time to throw the no-no.
7:25pm
SLY: “You can relax; CarGo just hit a single with one out in the 7th.”
KJ: “Thank God.”
I believe negative feelings and vibes can manifest itself into something real, and I believe this is what happened with Lincecum’s no-hit bid.
Is it any surprise that KJ owns a Pedro Cerrano jersey?
KJ’s negative juju ruined any chance of Lincecum throwing a no-hitter yesterday.
I have to admit, I am impressed but a little scared of KJ at the moment.To change the course of history using only negative thoughts is an impressive feat.
KJ should put his powers to use; maybe Matt Kemp can pull a hammy?
Just sayin’.
Other Notes:
Nate Schierholtz’s moon shot yesterday was Bonsian.I haven’t yelled “Oh My God!” since Panda almost went splash in Right-Center at AT&T during Jonathon Sanchez’s no-hitter in 2009.
Nate must be using the flaxseed oil.
(Yes, I was drawling parallels from the 2 games as early as the 3rd inning).
Cody Ross will be activated tomorrow.I would send Darren Ford down and wait for Torres to be activated before I demote Belt.
I expect Belt will start some games in leftfield inFresno.This will only give Los Gigantes more flexibility when he returns.
Belt looked tentative the last 10 or so days.He was missing 3-2 belt high fastballs.That is a sign he is in his own head.He will figure it out.I am rooting for the kid.
Ubaldo is on the hill tonight.I hope the rust from the DL is evident.
If Ublado looks good after three innings, I will call in KJ’s negative juju.
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4/14/11
Well, that did not last long.
The Bryan Stow Peace Treaty lasted all of two days.It appears the BS Peace Treaty applies only off the field.
(As it should)
I would like to personally thank Don Mattingly.
Thank you, and…
By drilling Buster twice it appears Mattingly is trying to ignite the brawl fuse.Does he think it will bond his team together?
The PPV Gigantes/Doyers Royal Rumble is a real possibility next month when they meet again.
Will DirecTV let me order early?
Speaking of ordering, how many Gigantes fans ordered Showtime to watch “The Franchise: A Season with Los Gigantes de San Fransico” last night?
I know RT was one of them.
RT was alarmed when a Penn & Teller show was shown on the TV Guide time-slot where “The Franchise” was suppose to air.His blood pressure lowered when he saw Boch light up the cigar.
Nicotine calms even through the television.
If you thought the show felt rushed, you were right.Remember that the show was a preview and was only 30 minutes long.The producers of the show attempted to briefly introduce the audience to the main cogs of the team and a couple feel good stories (Marc Kroon and Brandon Belt).I believe they will gauge the response and try to play off whatever story lines or players test out the highest with the test audiences.
I am guessing we will see a whole lot of B-Weeze, Timmy, Skinny Panda, and Buster.
What was the best part of the show?
1. The off-season workouts of Andy Torres.
Torres work-out attire was classic.He did not wear a shirt or shoes.He did sport a massive platinum chain and True Religion denim jeans.
Torres workout consisted of running up dirt hills and throwing cinder blocks over his head.
It was like he was the Puerto Rican Rocky.Eye of the Tiger should have been playing as background music as he was on screen.
This is how I imagine Domingo Ayala trained when he successfuly defended his Rookie of the Year award.
“Pop da chain.”
2.The Soulful Southpaw.
Now pitching #75, The Soulful Southpaw
I affectionately refer to Barry Zito as the Singer/Songwriter, I am ditching that handle for the one Showtime bestowed upon him; The Soulful Southpaw.
No follow up joke/line needed.
RT suggested that we can no longer call The Soulful Southpaw by his given name, only his handle.
Done.
Today’s off day allows the Sharks to be front and center in Bay Area sports.
I love that we (fans) can use the same chant from the last three nights.Playoff matchups create and build rivalries.This could be the birth of Sharks and Kings hatred for each other.The rivalry possibility has all the ingredients; all it will take to become alive is a 6 or 7 game series.
Does anyone else have a feeling this is the year the Sharks are going to finally break though and win Lord Stanley’s Cup?
Over the past 5 years the Sharks have been the most successful professional team in the Bay Area (The Sabercats and their Arena Bowls excluded). This season has had a different feel than the last few years. They didn’t come out of the chutes on fire as they have the last 3 years. They were horrible the first two months and sat in 13th in the West.
The Sharks peaked at the right time and rocketed to finish with the two seed.
Kind of reminds me of Los Gigantes and their World Series run.
Nothing is better than Playoff Hockey…except Playoff Baseball.
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4/13/11
It was me.I ruined Timmy’s 4th inning.
Top 1:
BBM CHAT:
SLY: “Timmy looks incredible, Superman status.”
KJ:“96 MPH, Los Doyers have no chance.”
After the 3rd inning, I had a conversation with myself as if I were in a two-man announcing booth.
(Yes, these are part of my game watching activities when I am alone.)
SLY (Normalvoice): “Timmy looks like he has no-hit stuff.”
SLY (Deep announcer voice): “I hope the 49 pitches through three innings does not hurt his chances.”
(Full disclosure: I cooked a nice little dinner for myself and may or may not have been drinking.)
4th inning: One pitch, one out.
SLY (Normal Voice): “That will help the pitch count (glare at partner).
SLY (Deep announcer voice): “Thank you Johnny Obvious.”
Then it happened.
Timmy transformed from Superman to that dude inSeattlewho fancies himself a superhero.Yes, This guy.
The Man, The Myth, The Legend…Pheonix Jones
With the game seemingly hanging in the balance, Timmy revealed his best attribute (besides his freakish talent), his heart.Down 3-0 with men on 2nd and 3rd with 1 out, he managed to escape without any further damage.
Is there a superhero whose superhero ability is damage control?
Stan Lee says……no.
(Probably would not be the best seller at the comic book store.)
You know the rest of the game story.
It was easily the most satisfying game of the short season.
Since I announced the game to myself last night, I have the authority to comment on Kruk and Kuip.
Kruk and Kuip were on fire last night.KJ and I openly wondered if they were drinking the happy juice.
We can only hope this is the future of Kruk and Kuip.
Here are a few of their gems:
Kruk: “Kemp is Cabbage!”
(Kemp was caught stealing in the 2nd inning.What does that (Cabbage) even mean?I never heard that phrase until theSouthPark “JerseyShore” episode.Can somebody please enlighten me?I need to know.)
Kuip: “What a bitch’n tie.”
(A cameraman panned the crowd and came upon man in his work attire.The tie was flashy; it had silver, green, and purple.I was taken aback by the terminology.Was bitch’n used in the 70s?)
Kruk: “This is an absolute strikeout situation.”
(Kruk went to this line twice, in the 4th and 6th innings.What’s the problem you may ask?There were runners on the corners with 1 out in both situations.Am I the only one who wants a double play over a strikeout in this situation?)
By the way, I love Kruk and Kuip.The guys are quickly becoming classics.They remind me of a television series where as the years go on the characters’ personalities are more defined and then exaggerated.
Check out the first season of “The Simpsons”, Homer has lost a few points off his IQ each succeeding season.
Season 1 Season 20
A PPV Mealy:
On Monday, Juan BooOo-ribe was a whole lot of happy when he received his World Series ring. On Tuesday, it looked like he was ready to charge the mound after Timmy drilled him with his 115th and final pitch of the night in the 6th inning.
It was the second time Timmy has drilled BooOo-ribe this season.The umpire had to get in front of Juan as he shouted, “Das da sesond EFFing ty-mine!”
It got me thinking, what if someone charged Timmy on the mound?
It might be the biggest brawl in SF Gigantes history, Juan Marichal/John Roseboro included.
I doubt Timmy would get touched.Do you know what the top speed of a lean and mean Panda who knows kung fu is?
….I am not sure either, but I have a feeling we would see the Panda’s 7th gear hauling from 3rd base to intercept the would-be mound charger.
Panda’s are cute and vicious.
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4/12/11
It all comes out in the wash: gum, coins, bills, anti-diarrhea pills, condoms, and bad defense.Most Gigantes fans were well aware Los Gigantes played out of their heads defensively last postseason.Their shortcomings on defense were not exposed.
The wash cycle had ended.Thank God, for the extra long wash cycle!It could have ended in 2010.
Can I blame the poor defense on Brandon Belt’s excellence at first base?His bat and glove forced Aubrey Huff to the outfield.Los Gigantes have been exposed far too often in the outfield this year.
What happened to the best athlete on the team?
The taped body outline of #17 is seared into my brain.
Thoughts on Belt:
Belt probably has about 2 weeks to figure things out.He does not look comfortable right now.How many 4-3 putouts are we going to see?He has to be close to the record for most 4-3 putouts over a three-game period.I have six on my count (2 Friday, 3 Sunday, and 1 Monday).
Here is the BBM conversation with RT and KJ last night during Belt’s last at bat:
SLY: “4-3, 4-3, 4-3, 4-3, and 4-3.”
At the exact same time…
KJ: “How many 4-3’s does BB have now?”
RT: “A lot.”
If Belt does continue to struggle (Watch him go 4×4 tonight) and is optioned toFresno, there is some good that could come out of the situation.Start Belt in left field atFresno.He is a good enough athlete that he will figure it out.Los Gigantes defense will be largely improved if Belt can become a league average outfield defender.
Los Gigantes have Huff for next year as well.He is at the stage of his career where his defense can only decline.
Huff is less of a liability at first base.Belt can slide into the everyday 1st base roll in 2013.
Of course, this is all predicated on Belt being optioned toFresno.Los Gigantes will not try this experiment in a Major League game.
This option could also be readdressed after the season.
Since I just wrote this, Belt will go on a 20-42 tear and Huff will look like Roberto Clemente in right field.
I will enjoy the taste of crow.
Big Time Timmy Jim is on the bump tonight.
He looks filthy.
I do not believe Timmy has washed all season.
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4/11/11
Los Gigantes won 2 of 3 from the Cardinals.We should all thank Colby Rasmus.
I haven’t written a love letter in a while, it is about time.
Dear Colby,
You dashed like a gazelle into left-center field on both Friday and Saturday with your hair lightly bouncing in a way that reminded me of Fabio riding a horse on beach with a slight breeze from the ocean air.I know it was my love that stopped you from retrieving the ball that A-Row hit on Friday and dropping Miggy’s ball on Saturday.
You wanted to make me happy, I appreciate that.
I will return the favor (No homo).Let me know when and where.
I cannot wait to see you in St. Louis.
Love,
Shaun Lauren Yaple
I am sure that little note makes up for the looks Colby received from LaRussa the past couple of days.
The Dodgers come into town tonight. If there is anyone who wants to get even for Brian Stow, please don’t. Sports are for entertainment (Not Sports Entertainment!) and supposed to be fun.
Fans who engage in violence need to know who they are and where they’re at.Take a good look in the mirror. You will undoubtedly see a loser.
Hate the Franchise, not the people.
One Love and Go Gigantes.
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4/8/11
Los Gigantes will raise their 2010 World Championship banner momentarily.
Damn, it feels good to be a world champion.
Take it in….
Alright, that’s enough.There is a game to play and win.
Here’s hoping we get the Dirty Sanchez on this Opening Home game celebration.From what I hear, that exactly what is going on at 3rd and King this morning.My Pops (never one to miss a party) has confirmed the bars were packed by 10AM and the championship liquor was flowing free.
Why do you have Jager and a Bloody Mary? “Cause I like to party.”
I am disappointed I am not celebrating in a drunken baseball stupor with my Pops.
One quick baseball tangent:
MLB Tonight on the MLB Network spent a solid 10 minutes on Bryce Harper’s professional debut in A-ball.
Is it possible to be sick of the dude before I watch him play a big league game?I don’t need Japanese style reports on Bryce Harper’s minor league games.
Wake me when he hits his 100th big league home run (2013).
Here is a sad fact about Bryce Harper. If he has a career that mirrors Pat Burrell (.840 OPS, 300 HR, and 1,000 RBIs) he will largely be considered a failure.
Now if Bryce has half of Pat the Bat’s sex tales, he will be a winner in my eyes.
Beer Me:
I will be attending the Bay Area Craft Beer Festival tomorrow with KJ, C-Lew, and the Real Dante’ Hicks tomorrow afternoon.
It should be a delicious S-Show.
Here is a preview:
I hope to still be awake before first pitch on Saturday night.
4/6/11
$$$ Well Spent
I paid $210 for the MLB Extra Innings package from DirecTV.I came to the realization that I will spend a whole lot more dinero because of this purchase.
Since I paid for the service, I want to get as much use as possible.To me, that means, always having access to the service.
Gameplan:
1: Purchase Slingbox HD Pro:$ 299.00
2. Purchase ipad 2 (32GB):$ 729.00
______________________Total: $1,029.00
I do not want to estimate what I will spend on tickets, food, and booze at live games this year.I am sure the price will be north of what the gadgets cost.
I need to stay productive at work to support my MLB addiction.
New Year, New Fads!
One week into the 2011 MLB season and a couple of fads have caught on:
1. Appendectomies are cool!
Stomach hurt?Take out your appendix!
I was worried when Andy Torres had his appendix taken out last year.He came back and helped Los Gigantes win the World Series.
There must be an Appendectomy to World Series winner correlation.
Matt Holliday and Adam Dunn will put my hypothesis to the test.
(Dunn and the White Sox have a better chance to prove the hypothesis.)
2. The MLB2K11 advertisements must be grueling on the Oblique muscles.
Brian Wilson strained his oblique holding his early 1990s cell phone a little too tight during filming.
Evan Longoria swung too hard trying to impress the young intern on the set.His digital self did hit some monster bombs.
He impressed the young intern.
Roy Halladay may be the next to fall.
I think the 2K series may have a curse forming.In 2010, Nelson Cruz, Kendry(s) Moralas, and Andrew Bailey were all featured in the 2K commercials.
All missed significant time in 2010.
Good to see the Madden Curse has found an heir-apparent.
Hoot and Holler:
Give me a second to blow off some steam…
Another 3:35 PM start time for Los Gigantes and the Fathers?I hate Twilight start times.I hate the word Twilight.I hate the Movie series about the super-EMO, non-attractive, and whiney beezy.
I hate that I have used the word “hate” five times in the past four sentences.
4 of Los Gigantes first 6 games have had Twilight start times.
Yes, I hate that.If you do not know why I hate Twilight start times, please read yesterday’s (4/5) Daily Bs.
The good news?
Lincecum will shove and Los Gigantes will win.
If not, Buster may need an Appendectomy to jumpstart the season.
I hope it doesn’t come to that.
4/5/11
Los Gigantes and The Fathers have a 3:30 PM start time.
Padres’ management must love shadows.
What are shadows good for?
1. Viewing a Day Eclipse.
2. Allows the Groundhog make his only contribution to society.
3. Entertainment for kids at sleepovers (Animal hand shadows).
4. Good for funny sex scenes in movies (camping tents).
5. Baseball Pitching Staffs (Exclude Barry Zito from Sunday).
What are Shadows not good for?
1. Aubrey Huff in the outfield.
2. Offense in Baseball games.
3. Viewing a Baseball game on TV.
4.Announcers of Baseball Games.
5.BASEBALL.
The Padres are smart little devils.Who gets the ball for the Padres this afternoon?
That would be Aaron Haran, who sports a 4.72ERA and a WHIP of 1.45 over the past three years.
Little known fact: Shadows and Aaron Harang are BFFs.
The Padres have successfully closed the gap of talent between themselves and Los Gigantes with a natural resource: Shadows.
If you’re not cheating, you’re not trying.
_____________________________________________________________________
4/4/11
Top Quotes of the weekend from Dodger fans and our reactions.
1. Many Dodgers Fans: “The Giants Suck!”
2010, 2010, and 2010.
2. One confused baseball fan “The Orioles Suck!”
“Yeah, I know.”
3. Dodgers fan who may have a few cameos on Gangland: “I want to kill some Giants fans.”
…All quiet on The Three Bs front.KJ did not even have to prompt me on that one.
4. A Woman who tried to block entry to our section: “Give me your Snuggie.”
I hate the Dodgers but love capitalism.It will be on ebay.
5. A Dodgers fan after I told him his World Series Trophy is old enough to buy him an alcoholic beverage: “Is that the last time we won?”
Yeah, that would be 1988.
6. Douche-bag Dodgers fan behind us when KJ and Ipartook in deuces (2 balls, 2 strikes, and 2 outs) in the 8th inning of Sunday’s contest: “Is that a cocaine reference?
Yes, it is a cocaine reference.
7. Same Douche bag as #6 when he made fun of Japan and even I thought it was off-colored: “That’s what we do in L.A. we make fun of everything.”
Because of Douche bag?
8. Dodger fan and fellow amateur writer Andrei Ojeda: “Which one of you is the blogger?”
I was kind of shocked to be somewhat recognized.Good stuff.
9.Same Douche Bag as 6 and 7: “You blog, oh goodness.”
SLY:“Hey, If Jonathon Broxton was a fruit, what would he be?”
So-Cal DB: “I dunno bro, what?”
SLY: “A Pear.”
So-Cal DB: “Whaaa?”
SLY: “Because they look the same.”
So-Cal DB: “Aww man, you’re kind of funny.”
Thank you for fitting into your XS shirt.
10: Dodger-Talk Radio Host after the game: “I don’t get the last reference.”
I called in to Dodger-Talk on 790AM on the way out of Dodger Stadium and gave them three things Jonathon Broxton can do to ensure a successful season.
1: Grow a beard, dye it black.
2: P90X.
3. Go on George Lopez.
Peace out Los Angeles.
______________________________________________________________________________
4/1/11
Ten thoughts on Opening Day:
1.The 2011 version of the Brewers are Harvey’s Wall Bangers 2.0.Too bad the Brewers have to use the bullpen.
2.There is magic in Dusty’s wristbands and toothpicks.
3. John Sterling is as annoying as ever.“Teixeria sends a Tex message to right field. Yes, You’re right on the mark, Teixeria.”
4.The Cardinals will be able to afford Albert Pujols if he stays on pace to hit into 486 double plays.
5. Jayson Heyward is the next Kaz Matsui.
6. Bud Black owns a magic wand.
7. Maybe I can predict the future.Clayton Kershaw, wow.
8. I may not return alive from Los Angeles this weekend. A few knuckleheads don’t get it.Enjoy the game more, brothers.
9. Re-read BoooOOoo-Rrrriiiiibbbbbbbbeeee. He is officially fair game.
10.I love Baseball.
3/31/11
A start of a new season brings a start of a new feature to The Three Bs.The Daily Bs will be short, sweet, and updated daily.Enjoy!
My thoughts on Barry Zito’s car accident:
Please Jesus, let Barry Zito make his scheduled start on Sunday.I wouldn’t want the season debut of “The Barry Zito Drinking Game” to be delayed.
Opening Day is my Christmas.I am sure many people around the country feel the same.I will not be productive at work as I constantly check box scores, twitter updates, and follow each of my fantasy player’s at bats.
Welcome back Baseball, How I have missed you.
Play Ball!
Opening Day Diary
Los Gigantes Home Opener 4/9/11
I had my real world job to perform during Opening Day last Friday. Lucky for me, RT had the day off. He agreed to do a running diary during the game. My thoughts are in italics under his.
11:58am: Beer numero uno.
Lucky ******* sitting on his couch while I try to sneak glances at the Television.
12:17pm: Ray Ratto is wearing a hideous sweater.
It is almost to the point where Ratto is like Craig Sager. I can’t wait to see what he is wearing. If Ratto ever wears a yellow corduroy sweater, my head will explode.
12:35pm: Bull Neukom’s sport coat is older than Willie Mays and uglier than Amy G.
Agreed.
12:37pm: Beer Numero dos.
Really? You have the day off and you are on a 39 minute per beer pace. It takes no talent to go at your best speed at a high speed. I am disappointed in my brother at the moment.
12:40pm. I wish I had tickets. My *** won’t leave the couch for the next 3 hours.
Make that 4 hours and 24 minutes.
12:47pm: Oh God, Renel.
Now batting….Barrrrrrrrrrrrrrrry Boooonnnnnnnds (ear bleeding levels).
12:52 pm: Ashley (girlfriend) is home for lunch. I offer her a beer and she declines. Beer numero tres.
I would have tried sex. Good to see RT finished the 2nd beer at 15 minutes. Beer pace lowered to 27 minutes per beer. I am still disappointed.
12:55 pm: Train? Really? Bands Before games are lame.
If Train performing before an opener was the punishment for winning the World Series, I don’t know if it is worth it.
Los Gigantes enter the field from Center. I hope this becomes a new tradition.
I think RT is drunk off 2 ½ beers. The time stamps have disappeared.
Brian Wilson is the man. “Cooperstown wanted this ball. I told them no. They can have our players but not this ball.”
#WorldseriesWinning
Nice tribute to Brian Stow with a Beat LA chant. Love it.
If Brian Stow does not recover, does he get a patch? I vote yes.
Brian Wilson runs out to center to raise the championship banner. Is it over the top? Maybe, but it is complete awesomeness. I have Goosebumps.
Brian Wilson will be a professional wrestler before he becomes a Ninja Action Movie Star.
Game Time:
How pissed is Tony LaRussa? He had to stand on the field for almost an hour. There are ceremonies for each of the weekend games as well. A Gigante may get plunked to send a message to Los Gigantes management to tame down the pre-game ceremonies.
-Top 1: Jonathon Sanchez starts the game with a 4 pitch walk. He’ll come back n strike out the side. That is the Sanchez we all know and love.
Poor Bochy. I think Sanchez has taken years off his life. We have inning stamps!
Top 2: Uhhh, Huff in the outfield. When is Ross Back? Dammit, 1-0 Cardinals.
If Belt sticks, Huff will be out there next year as well. What happened to the best athlete on the team?
Bottom 2: Pablo takes two pitches (balls), I pitch a tent, Pablo swings at the next pitch (ball), I lose my tent, Pablo with a base hit, and the tent is re-pitched.
I understand completely. Where is the cerveza update? I am kind of living through you at the moment.
Top 3: Uggg, Huff again.
U.G.L.Y. This is becoming a real problem.
Bottom 3: WOOOOOOOOOOHHHOOOO (Tejada bomb).
And Tejada becomes the Statue to hit a home run in the Big Leagues. Why is his home run trot appear so fast, but he looks so slow on everything else?
Hell yeah, Jonathon Sanchez with a double.
Boom, Freddy Sanchez with his own double.
Double-Double! Can I trademark the “in-N-out” offense?
Top 5: Jonathon Sanchez is settled. He looks good. Burrell makes a great catch as he crashes into the wall.
Ummm, what happened to the 4th inning?
Bottom 5: I stopped counting beers but there are only 2 Coronas left.
Fail to Prepare, Prepare to Fail
The lapses in time are explained!
Top 6: Once again Sanchez can’t get through 6. The long first did him in.
He averaged 5.8 innings per start last year. You know what you’re getting.
Bottom 6: Everytime Burrell is up I think he is going to go deep. 30 seconds later: Boom, Burrell goes El Centro.
Belt hits his 1st MLB double! Put him in the Hall!
Whenever I think about Burrell, I think about him defecating on some girl’s living room because she passed out and couldn’t get with Pat The Bat.
Belt goes into the hall in 2032. Book it.
Top 7: Affeldt looks unhittable.
Welcome back 20.09 Version. 20.10 Version was put in the recycle bin.
Top 8: Home Depot doing more on defense, yeah Pablo!
I guess RT finished his all the beer. I do not get it.
Top 9: Wilson time. That beard has so much amazing inside.
It is so dense it can even support rust.
What is that tattoo on Yadier Molina’s neck. A camera shot zoomed in but I cannot figure it out.
I am not sure what it is, but I know what it signifies: I am a professional athlete. I do what I want. I will never have to rely on anyone else for employment.
Walk, infield single and now a HBP to Jon Jay. This is turning into a typical Wilson save. I feel a mini ulcer forming.
Kaz Matusi at the plate….errr Ryan Theriot doing his best impression.
Mother Eff’er (Theriot singles in two. 5-4 Cardinals).
That’s not how the Matsui at bat ended last year.
Bottom 9: Great, Rowand is hitting for Huff, stupid defensive replacement. I mean, great job A-Row!
Panda comes through!!! Bonus Baseball!
It feels strange to feel confident in Rowand. I think this happens every April and May. By June I will completely forget this feeling and loathe his at bats.
Top 11: Oh boy, only Runzler left. He dominates.
I have man crushes on lefty relievers who have filthy stuff. It may be a fetish.
Bottom 11: Torres hits a leadoff double. Go start. Free 90 feet? Thank you very much. Lets go F.Sanchee. Here is the 5 infielder defense. Get her in the air. F.Sanchee out. Rowand has a chance to be the hero two years in a row.
At this point, I got off work and went to the bar. I could no longer handle ESPN Gamecast. See, I need an ipad and Slingbox in my life. Wow, Great play Allan Craig.
Intentional walks to Posey and Sandoval give DeRosa a chance to beat his former team.
Bat. On. Shoulder.
EFFF.
You gotta swing the battttt, you gotttttta swing the batttttttt. I was just offered a beer. I accepted.
Man at Bar: “Why did you accept my offer now but not 10 minutes ago?”
SLY: “Alcohol is a depressant. I am depressed.”
Top 12: Great inning from Runzler. That is the Runzler I saw in Spring Training.
I am upset I didn’t get to see any Spring Training games. In related news, my liver thanked me for not attending Spring Training in 2011.
Bottom 12: Here we go. Runners are on the corners with two outs. Here comes Rowand. Hammered that, Game Over!
Two years in a row for A-Row! Again remind me of how I felt about Rowand in a couple months.
A big thank you to Colby Rasmus for slowing down on that ball, I thought he had a good opportunity to make the play.
Another beer please.
Man in Bar: “I thought you drink when you are depressed?”
SLY: “I also drink when I am happy.”
BIG thanks to RT. I know that was a pain in the A$s.
Miss Cleo and The End of The World
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Miss Cleo and the End of the World
SLY
3/30/11
Miss Cleo and I have one thing in common; we both cannot predict the future. I am quite jealous she was able to turn her non-ability into income, which is an ability I would like to pursue. Why is Miss Cleo occupying space on The Three Bs? Duh, prediction time!
A few of The Three B regulars and I have decided to give our predictions for the upcoming MLB season. Why? We all think we are smarter than we really are.
Predictions lead to these phrases exchanged between friends.
1.) “I told you so.”
2.) “You’re an idiot.”
3.) “Effing Homer.”
I want to do a quick hit on Brandon Belt before we dive into our predictions for the 2011 season. It was announced a few hours ago that Belt made the Big Club (Good-bye Ishi). That is fantastic news. This was the first step the 2011 Gigantes have taken to improve upon the 2010 World Championship version. It is promising to see the franchise put out the best possible product on the field, no matter the cost.
There has been a lot of GFM’s (General Fan Managers) around the greater Bay Area which have flooded the radio waves and Gigantes websites suggesting the newest Double Bs to start at Fresno. Not because Belt was not the best option, but because the GFM’s were worried about his Super-Two status.
Are you kidding me?
I understand the financial impact starting Belt on the big club, but Belt will only obtain his Super-Two status if he stays on the 25 man roster for the entire next two years. If he does, he will have played well enough to earn the money.
Please remember this fact; Ws in April are not worth less than Ws in September.
With Ross out, Belt is the best option.
What’s the best part about Belt and his arbitration clock?
Two answers:
1.) Everyone assumes Belt will be an absolute stud.
This was the case with the A’s in the late 90′s and early 2000s. Every player that came up (Grieve, Tejada, Chavez, Hudson, Zito, Mulder, and Crosby) was billed as can’t miss players. For the most part they didn’t miss, albeit some of their stars faded quickly.
Gigantes fans have not allowed themselves to get too attached to players coming from minors since the late 80s. Our expectations were tempered with the likes of JR Phillips, William VanLaunchingPad, and Todd Linden. A funny thing happened in 2005; Matt Cain came up and was as good as advertised. A very Oakland Athletics like streak began to build: Wilson, Sanchez (2006), Lincecum (2007), Sandoval (2008), Posey, Bumgarner (2009), and now Belt (2011). It has gotten to the point where we believe and expect good things from our young players.
I used to fantasize about Los Gigantes having a young stud player. I yearned for one. When F.Loser (Fred Lewis) hit for the cycle in 2007, I allowed myself to get excited. I created him in my baseball video game and hit him 3rd. I watched Belt last night and actually felt like Los Gigantes were using a created player. It felt like cheating, and I loved it.
2.) We will all be dead when the Belt would have been eligible for Free Agency anyway. In case you forgot, the world ends on December 21st, 2012.
KJ and I decided in 2009 that we are going to throw an “End of the World Party.” It is going to epic. Party favors will include: cocaine, prostitutes, and Johnnie Walker Blue.
You might want to mark your calendar.
…and with that onto the 2011 MLB predictions.
KJ:
NL (West) Gigantes, (Central) Brewers, (East) Braves, and (Wild Card) Phillies
AL (West) Athletics, (Central) White Sox), (East) Red Sox, and (Wild Card) Twins
World Series: Red Sox over Brewers
Awards:
NL: (Cy Young) Roy Halladay, (MVP) Troy Tulowitzki, and (ROY) Brandon Belt
AL: (Cy Young) Jon Lester, (MVP) Adrian Gonzalez, and (ROY) Jeremy Hellickson
RT:
NL (West) Rockies, (Central) Brewers, (East) Phillies, and (Wild Card) Gigantes
AL (West) Athletics, (Central) Twins, (East) Red Sox, and (Wild Card) Yankees
World Series: Red Sox over Phillies
Awards:
NL (Cy Young) Roy Halladay, (MVP) Troy Tulowitzki, and (ROY) Brandon Belt.
AL (Cy Young) Jon Lester, (MVP) Adrian Gonzalez, and (ROY) Jeremy Hellickson
C-Lew:
NL (West) Gigantes, (Central) Brewers, (East) Phillies, and (Wild Card) Braves
AL (West) Athletics, (Central) White Sox, (East) Red Sox, and (Wild Card) Yankees
World Series: Red Sox over Phillies
Awards:
NL (Cy Young) Roy Halladay, (MVP) Albert Pujols, and (ROY) Freddie Freeman
AL (Cy Young) David Price, (MVP) Adrian Gonzalez), and (ROY) Kyle Drabek
SLY:
NL (West) Gigantes, (Central) Cardinals, (East) Braves, and (Wild Card) Phillies
AL (West) Athletics, (Central) Twins, (East) Red Sox, and (Wild Card) Yankees
World Series: Braves over Red Sox
Awards:
NL (Cy Young) Clayton Kershaw, (MVP) Albert Pujols, and (ROY) Brandon Belt
AL (Cy Young) Gio Gonzalez, (MVP) Alex Rodriguez, and (ROY) Kyle Drabek
Let the 2011 season begin.
“Call Me Now!!”
Go Ahead and Jump… Onto The Band Wagon
Look around the Bay Area, Gigantes gear is everywhere. It was inevitable.
A team wins a championship and becomes the toast of the region.
We did not think we were immune to the effects of a glorious championship run did we?
Band Wagoner:
A sports fan that’s loyalty is contingent upon a team’s success. These fans are rarely respected in the sport fanatic community because they reap the rewards of victory, without a willingness or fortitude to face the hardships of defeat.
Thanks Urban Dictionary, and I thought you were only good for sex act definitions such as “Blumpkin Backfire”.
(I know you are going to look it up, be sure to NOT use Google images)
Over the past few months I have engaged in a number of conversations with other Gigantes fans about band wagon fans. The conversations usually ended with the “real” fan bashing the late arrivals to the party.
I had one question for every “real fan” that bashed a band wagon fan:
What is the harm of a band wagon fan?
The answers I was given were not adequate.
I consulted with KJ (as we were in the same mindset on the subject) on the negatives of band wagon fans.
We could only come up with two true negatives. That’s impressive because we were both Mensa candidates.
1. Ticket Prices
I learned about supply and demand at Napa Valley College’s Micro Economics course. Gosh darn Stubhub. Check out the prices on the secondary ticket market. They are ridiculous.
Home Opening day (4/8) tickets on Stubhub are starting at $130. The $130 tickets are Section 333, Row 16. It would cost a family of four over $500 just to get into the ballpark.
Ticket Scalper’s (brick and mortar Stubhub) will also be raising the price of their cream this season. I used to tell my-go-to-scalper to bring the cream (best available) to 21st Amendment before the game. I have a feeling the cream will be out of my price range this season.
2. Bad Conversations
One of my favorite pastimes is talking baseball. I grew up around knowledgeable baseball minds and expect a certain level of baseball common sense in my baseball conversations.
Band wagon fans can be a disaster to have a baseball conversation with. It makes me feel very uncomfortable, which is usually what I do best to others.
The conversation usually ends with awkward silence when I bring up a new way to quantify a defenders true value.
(Yes, these are the things that keep me up at night.)
High ticket prices on the secondary market and bad baseball conversations. One hurts the wallet and one is mildly annoying. These are also easy to avoid, buy your tickets directly from Los Gigantes and do not attempt to engage in a conversation with band wagon fans.
(Band wagon fans are easy to spot, 78% of them wear strap-back hats)
There are obvious positives that band wagon fans bring to the table: a full Pac Bell/SBC/AT&T Park, excitement, and a sense of camaraderie. The number #1 positive of a band wagon fan often goes over looked.
1. Band Wagon Fans Breed New Fans.
A band wagon fan has the ability to spread their fandom to others.
My brother in law, admittedly, is not a big baseball fan but got into Los Gigantes championship run. He grew a playoff beard, looked up “The Machine”, and used the word “delicious” as often as possible.
(Wait, I think he just had a man crush on B-Weezy.)
Will his interest in baseball/man crush of B-Weezy subside? Undoubtedly yes, but his excitement carried over to his oldest son, who is now a huge Gigantes fan. I bought him a Big Time Timmy Jim World Series Jersey for Christmas. My Sister told me he wore the jersey for three straight weeks. The jersey had to be torn off him to be washed.
Los Gigantes World Series run along with his Father’s excitement was the key to make my nephew a fan. He watched more baseball in one month than he had previously watched in his lifetime. How awesome is that?
New fan creation is well worth the high ticket prices and bad baseball conversations that result from fans hopping on the band wagon.
It doesn’t matter when you board the train, or even purchase a ticket; all that matters is that you arrive at the destination. The World Series was the destination and we all arrived together.
There is plenty of room for the 2011 season.
All Aboard.
The Three Bs Vs. Pliny The Younger
One third of The Three Bs is dedicated to Beer, Booze, Brew, and any other word associated with Alcohol which starts with the letter B.
With that, I give you The Three Bs versus Pliny The Younger.
I will remember 2010 for many reasons; the birth of my nephew, Los Gigantes World Series title, the purchase of my first home, the launch of www-The-Three-Bs.com, and my first sip of Pliny The Younger.
Last February my friend Dante Hicks (I know what you’re thinking; he is not the character from “Clerks”.) alerted me that he was going to Santa Rosa to visit Russian River Brewery for the release of Pliny The Younger. I will admit that was the first time I heard of Pliny The Younger. This is embarrassing because Santa Rosa is my hometown and I have patronized Russian River Brewery on many occasions.
Not this Dante Hicks, The Real Dante Hicks.
Dante turned me on to www.beeradvocate.com, there it was evident why Pliny The Younger was such a big deal, it was the 2nd rated beer in the world.
How could I miss this opportunity so close to home?
I did not feel bad about the wait as many people made a pilgrimage to taste the Younger. There was a guy in line with us who flew in from Sweden .
The stuff had to be legit.
The Younger came in at 11% abv in 2010 and went down like a champ. Beer this high in alcohol content should not go down the gullet so blissfully.
Dante and I stayed for about 4 hours. We took our time, filled a growler and drove home riding the bumps with one eye closed.
I shared the growler with Pops and KJ. They both vowed to stand in line in 2011.
I went back to Russian River Brewery with my brother in law the following day. Pliny the Younger was dry for the year. I found out it lasted for only 8 beautiful hours.
Russian River Brewery made a few changes for their Pliny The Younger release in 2011; it was set for a two week release from 2/4-2/17. The new rules were as follows: a limited number of kegs will be released each day to ensure the Younger last for two weeks, 10.5oz pours, and no growlers. You can only drink what you can put in your belly.
The last part sounds like a challenge.
Round 1: Friday 2/11/11.
RT, LJ, and I stayed at my Pop’s place on Thursday night. Pops could not partake in the festivities as he had to work. Pops is much more responsible as RT and I blew off work.
We arrived at the brewery at 9:30am; I was surprised there was nobody in line.
The situation gave me an eerie reminder of a situation in college.
In college I purchased 6 tickets for a concert two months in advance at San Jose State . The concert was scheduled for October 30th2006. My friends and I all went out to the bars before stumbling over to the San Jose State Event Center for the show. We arrived fashionably and drunkenly late when the 2nd act was suppose to go on. We encountered one problem. We were all alone on campus.
RT: “What the eff Shaun?”
SLY: “Duuude, the tickets say October 30th.”
RT: “Tickets don’t talk.”
SLY: “Well, there is not a show here, back to the bars.”
I found out at the bar the concert was cancelled over a month before. I purchased the next few rounds.
My blunder ruined any game I had with chics on this night as my friends were all too quick to bring up the situation to any female I encountered.
I was confident that Pliny The Younger was not canceled on this day, we headed to Starbucks for coffee. The thought of Younger completely made me forget a few of my job responsibilities.
SLY: “Shhhhhhhhit, I have to approve timecards before noon.”
LJ: “How are you going do that here?”
SLY: “There has to be someone with a computer around here somewhere.”
I found a FedEx Office store which had a pay to use internet service. Awesome, it only cost $.25 per minute. I should be done in less than $2.
I learned a lesson about capitalism.
The computer must have been on dial-up. It could not even load my website to approve the timecards. I waited until the $5 point.
SLY: “That’s it, I am done. I could have spent this $5 on a 10.5 ounces of Pliny The Younger and still had $.50 left over.”
I felt betrayed by our capitalistic economic model, but it actually gave me a great business idea for the skid rows of America .
Business idea: Pay-to-watch free porn on www.pornhub.com.
Here me out.
The customers who would frequent this abomination of an establishment would;
A. Be in the lowest rung of social class.
B. Not be aware that cable internet exists.
C. Not be able to justify a cover charge at a gentlemen’s club.
D. Spend all their money on booze and debauchery.
E. Not qualify for a ATM card.
F. Have never heard of www.pornhub.com, therefore believing the site is a gift from God.
Wheelhouse Demographic
Give me a cheap 1000sq foot empty space, 10 private stalls, 10 computers with their homepages all set on pornhub, and let the fine gentlemen have at it.
Nothing better than DSL will be used, I want a 5 minute video to load in 10 minutes and payments to be collected before they start (Learned from the Bunnyranch).
The price per minute will be reasonably set at $2 per minute. I expect most customers to not allow their video to fully load before they blow theirs. The revenue goal per customer will be $10.
That’s it, I am going to hell.
Alright, let’s get back to the beer.
After I surrendered $5 to FedEx Office we headed back into line at Russian River Brewery at 10:00am.
We were now second in line.
By the time the doors opened at 11:00am the line was stretched out to about 100 thirsty souls.
We sat down and I asked the bartender if my favorite beer was available.
SLY: “Do you have the Silver Bullet on draft?”
Server: “Um, No.”
I could not tell if he thought I was serious. Well played sir.
SLY: “Oh, ok, we will have three of those Pliny The Youngers.”
First Round of 2011
The Pliny’s looked and smelled amazing. They were just as I remembered from the past year, almost perfection. The abv this year was a tad down this year from 11% to 10.25%.
At last count, RT had 5 while LJ and I had 6.
RT and I recognized two friends; well we thought we recognized the two people. We debated whether they were indeed our friends.
Yes, we were now very intoxicated.
I walked over to the table that may or may not be our friends. I was as confident as Barry Zito laying down a sac bunt attempt (I had to throw in a baseball reference), which is to say (for you non-stitch heads) very confident (Zete’s led the team in sac bunts in 2010).
Is it bad when all my good Barry Zito references have nothing to do with pitching?
The two people were indeed our friends, RT and I shared a few pleasantries before heading back to our table.
Holly Ravioli Batman.
Pliny The Younger officially hit LJ. Her head was on the table. She was out.
It was time to leave.
RT and I wanted to kill a little time to sober up before we headed back to Pop’s house. I choose “Sweet Spot”, a bar right down the street.
I ordered a Guinness to sober up. I am part Irish, it is allowed.
RT and LJ each ordered a beer against their better judgment.
RT took a few sips and headed to the bathroom. LJ took a sip or two between her naps at the bar.
Bartender: “She can’t sleep at the bar.”
SLY: “She’s cool, she’s had a long day.”
Bartender: “It is 2:30pm.”
SLY: “She got up really early?”
RT returned from the bar. He did not say much.
It was my turn to use the facilities. I walked in and smelt the sour stench of vomit.
There is a reason we have bestowed the nickname of “Yack” upon RT.
RT: “Yeah, that was me.”
SLY: “It is time to leave.”
I managed to get us home safely. RT lived up to his nickname once more as he walked from the car to inside the house.
We were all passed out before 4:00pm.
Pops arrived home.
Pops: “What the heck happened to you guys?”
SLY: “Pliny The Younger.”
It was official, Younger 1 The Three Bs 0.
On a side note, LJ claimed blackout status. I believe her.
Round 2: 2/13/11.
Round 2 came about because KJ, Dante, and Pops were all unable to attend Round 1.
We were 9th in line at 10:00am Sunday morning. I did my homework during Round 1 and asked our server what time we should show up.
He was right, by opening at 11:00am the line was easily 200 thirsty fellows long.
It was on, again.
The Youngers went down just as smoothly as two days prior.
I had a game plan to drink a maximum of 3. I diverged from the game plan.
Dante led the way with 5, and KJ, Pops, and I had 4 each.
The Real Dante Hicks
We left Russian River Brewery happy and drunk. Sweet Spot was patronized for a brew. It was Déjà vu, a glitch in the Matrix.
There were animal origami dollar bills next to the handles of beer.
I stole them. I think I made $6 out of the deal.
Alcohol can alter ones judgment.
Pops drove us home but made one more pit stop. A local Irish bar. A round of Guinness and a game of pool apparently were on the agenda.
The teams were set as Dante and SLY versus Pops and KJ.
It was an epic battle of drunken pool shooting. There were no sharks in this game, just guppies.
I went on a little run and had a shot to win the game. I called my pocket, chalked the cue, reared back, and let her rip.
My aim and stroke were true. The 8-ball fell into the correct pocket…followed by the cue ball.
Pops cheered like a little school girl.
I hate losing.
We finished up our Irish water and Pops got us home safe.
Pops had Rib-Eyes on the dinner menu. How much better does food taste when you are intoxicated?
Dante and I decided to shoot the basketball around while the food was being prepared. After a few half hearted shots the ball became stuck in the net. I couldn’t jump and reach it (It is not my fault, I am short and white.).
Dante became the ball hero. He jumped. He missed. He jumped again. He missed again. It was agitating him. He mustered up one more effort. Dante lowered his legs and exploded towards the sky. The explosion accounted for an extra 2.5 inches of vertical leap which allowed him to scrape the ball with his hand which subsequently broke the balls inertia and allowed the ball to fall harmlessly to the ground.
Dante was another story.
Boom!
Dante’s elbow was the first body part to hit the pavement. It wasn’t pretty and blood was shed.
We should have just grabbed a broom.
Again, alcohol clouds judgment and athleticism.
Dante and I went inside to watch the basketball game on television. This was not a safer option. A 16oz glass was broken minutes later. Shards of glass were all over the living room.
Alcohol deteriorates motor skills.
Dinner was served. The steaks looked and smelled amazing. They were still raw. KJ is as good as it comes on the grill but…
Alcohol clouds judgment.
Pops took two bites of his steak before retiring to his room, never to be seen again.
Dante and KJ eventually found the courage to drive home.
I was asleep by 8:30PM.
I was up at 5:30AM the next day, Pops was making breakfast.
Pops: “I don’t remember anything from last night. Did we cook the steaks?”
SLY: “Wow, you had two bites before passing out.”
Pops: “That stuff (Pliny The Younger) is dangerous.”
SLY: “You said it.”
Pliny The Younger 2 The Three Bs 0.
Pliny The Younger 2011 Versus The Three Bs Recap:
Pliny The Youngers consumed: 34
Verified “Yacks” from RT: 2
Blackouts: 2 (LJ and Pops)
The yearly release of Pliny The Younger is an event that I will not miss. It is a tradition that brings together many of the elements that make life so efffing amazing. Great people, beer, food, adventure, and decisions we can look back on and laugh.
Good times.
Quote of the year (thus far):
Dante Hicks: “I never listen to what my body tells me, I just grab another beer.”
The Bro Hug
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The Bro Hug
SLY
1/19/11
Bro Hug: Noun or verb – a manly hug between two dudes who are cool with each other.
So I got off the airplane, saw my friend…there were bro hugs all around. Then we went to the bar for some shots to catch up.
Yep.
That just happened.
Ryan Howard giving my Father a bro hug on the field before game 3 of the NLCS.
How the hell did this happen?
My Dad and his friend (Brad) signed up to hold the flag during the National Anthem before game 3 of the NLCS. They were not rookies, as they signed up for the same duties before Los Gigantes home opener back in April. They had to arrive at Pac Bell/SBC/AT&T Park at 7AM for “practice”. My Dad and Brad were at the bar before 8AM.
KJ and I arrived at the bar at 10AM. Holy Cow, it was a SSSSSS show. My Pops and Brad were “in the game” deep. Brad told us to put our drinks on the tab, we did not argue.
Brad: “You jerk-offs (term of affection) want to go onto the field and hold the flag?”
SLY: “How are we going to do that?”
Brad: “You will walk on with us.”
SLY: “That easy?”
Brad: “it is that easy, just stay in line.”
SLY: “Game on.”
Flag duty report time was 11AM, we put in a good hour of work at the bar before we made our way out towards McCovey Cove.
We arrived to the Cove and the flag was laid along the walk way stretching from the right field entrance to center field.
It became obvious that KJ and I were not the only ones Brad and my Pops invited to hold the flag. Random new friends from the bar and walkers passing by ended up getting in line with us.
The thought of jail time for trespassing crept into my mind. I am not like Oscar from the office, I would not love jail.
Here is how this was even possible.
The organizers had no way to verify who was actually supposed to hold the flag. There were no stamps, bracelets, or shirts.
The organizers assumed only the people who practiced would show up for the real deal.
There were a great number of flag crashers.
After an hour wait, it was go time. The gates opened and we started our walk onto the field.
I walked right onto the field.
It was surreal.
We passed the Phillies bullpen.
KJ: “What’s up Chooch?” (Carlos Ruiz)
Carlos was a little stunned.
Pops, KJ, Myself, and Brad were all standing in right field. Players were warming up 10 feet away.
I reached down and pulled grass from the outfield and filled my pants pockets. It seemed like a good idea. I then pulled out my camera.
Jayson Werth warmed up next to me.
SLY: “You’d look good in Orange and Black.”
No response.
Ryan Howard then ran past me.
SLY: “Smile for the camera Ryno.”
I really wanted to say “You should’ve taken Turtle’s Tequila offer in Entourage!”
Howard pointed at me and started to laugh. My drunken reactions were a little late with the camera. Damn. That would’ve been a good shot.
I took in the scene and admired my good fortune.
A blurring streak appeared out of my left eye near the foul line.
The streak was my Pops as he ran over to Ryan Howard.
Uh-Oh.
Security started to move in.
This isn’t good. I grabbed my camera out.
A few words were exchanged between Howard and Pops, and then it happened.
I was stunned.
SLY: “Holy ****, I think I got a picture of that. What the effff just happened.”
KJ: “Bro Hug, Bro… Bro Hug.”
The Flag Organizer yelled for my Pops to get back to the flag.
“Go Go Go” yelled the Flag Organizer.
I almost forgot what we were on the field for.
Allen Iverson was right, who needs practice.
KJ and I acted like we knew what we were doing.
We ran the flag out at a “high speed at our best speed.”
Ben Gibbard (Death Cab) performed the Star Spangled Banner. Perfect.
When the anthem ended we walked off the field and then sprinted around the stadium. We didn’t want to miss the first pitch.
Stupid walk ways, we arrived a batter late.
I asked Pops what he said to Howard.
Pops: “I was giving him hitting advice.”
This wasn’t the first time Pops has given an All-Start hitting tips. Pops famously talked with David Wright in 2008 for over an hour at the Ritz in San Francisco.
Pops does know the art of hitting, but it takes some serious stones (or an alcohol induced mind) to tell a MLB All-Star what they are doing wrong at the plate.
Ryno went 0-4.
Pops is a Gigantes fan.
Matt Cain shoved, Los Gigantes went up 2-1 in the series, and I started to seriously believe Los Gigantes were going to win the series.
Honestly, this was one of my favorite days of my life.
The Flag Organizers made a significant change for the World Series. I noticed all the flag holders were wearing special shirts to designate who was actually supposed to be on the field.
Blame the Bro Hug.
Jedi Mind Tricks
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SLY
1/5/10
How do you do it Mr. Boras?
You don’t negotiate. Many times your client has little leverage. You make teams bid against themselves.
I think you are one with the force.
Scott Boras: “Jasyon Werth $126 million, pay you will. Need him, you do.”
Mike Rizzo: “Yes Master Boras.”
Scott Boras: “$96 Million, Adrian Beltre needs. Pay him you will, or an Athletic become he will.”
Jon Daniels: “You don’t have to use your Jedi Mind Tricks on me. I love Star Wars and since you attempted to talk like Yoda, Ill give you what you want. Tell Adrian we are good to go.”
It cannot be this easy, can it?
Upon hearing the news of Adrian Beltre’s 6 year $96 (if 6th year option vests) I went a little NuTs.
I proclaimed to all in earshot:
“Scott Boras could get me $2 million a year.”
A couple of co-workers (I guess they feel obligated to listen to my baseball rants) asked me how Scott Boras would sell me to a team.
Easy, I am a good Clubhouse guy.
Here is how Mr. Scott Boras would sell Shaun Lauren Yaple to a Major League Baseball team.
Scott Boras: “A lot of people say you cannot put a price on chemistry in the clubhouse, well I can. I created a binder for Shaun Lauren Yaple to illustrate all he can bring to your clubhouse and franchise.”
MLB GM: “Can he hit?”
Scott Boras: “Irrelevant.”
MLB GM: “Can he field?”
Scott Boras: “Irrelevant.”
MLB GM: “Run?”
Scott Boras: “Irrelevant.”
MLB GM: “Character?”
Scott Boras: “My client has team first mentality. This applies off the field as well. This is where YOU will find his value. Mr. Yaple makes friends easy, he will surly be one of your Star players new best buds. As we know, Stars need special treatment and Mr. Yaple will be there to assist.”
MLB GM: “How?”
Scott Boras: “For example, your Star player and my client go out for a few adult beverages. After a couple hours they decide to leave, the Star is driving. He crashes the vehicle. My client will gladly switch seats and take the heat. Of course the bonus escalators kick in once a situation like this occurs.”
MLB GM: “It is like asset protection. How much does this service cost?”
Scott Boras: “$2 Million base, $100,000 for each misdemeanor, $250,000 for a felony, $1.2 million for each year in jail, and a 25 man roster spot. As long as there are not any Ugueth Urbina characters, this is a must for your team.”
MLB GM: “What kind of playing time is he looking for?”
Scott Boras: “Irrelevant.”
MLB GM: “I will send over the contract to our Attorneys. I am going to leak this to www.mlbtraderumors.com. Thank you for your time Mr. Boras.”
Scott Boras: “If you are happy with the service Mr. Yaple provides then I have another client that will meet your needs. Kenneth L. Jones.”
MLB GM: “Tell me about him.”
Scott Boras: “The great Yogi Berra once said “90% of Baseball is mental, the other half is physical.” My Client can take care of the 90% part.”
MLB GM: “How?”
Scott Boras: “My Client is what we in the business call an “Ego Stroker”. An “Ego Stroker” ensures players’ confidence levels are always high, therefore taking care of the 90% of the game.”
MLB GM: “Explain how your client will raise the confidence levels of my players.”
Scott Boras: “My client will take batting practice with each player and remind them how great they are. My client will delve into their past and find the time when they had their greatest successful in baseball, even if their greatest success came in little league.
Kenneth Jones minored in Psychology at Napa Valley College, which is home to the #1 rated collegiate psychology program in Napa County.
My client will also participate in every intrasquad and simulated game during the season. My client will strategically strike out, hit into double plays, and get picked off at opportune times to maximize confidence building.
Kenneth Jones also has amazing taste in music. He is an amateur DJ who can make premier party mixes that cross nationality boundaries.
As a Psychology minor, my client understands the notion “If you feel good, you play good.” Everything my client does is calculated to stroke the ego of your fragile players.”
MLB GM: “Wow, this is even better than your clubhouse guy.”
Scott Boras: “Not better, it’s a different service. Both are highly trained and are the best at what they do.”
MLB GM: “What’s Kenneth Jones going to cost me?”
Scott Boras: “$1.5 million base, and $100k for every player with a +league average OPS, $100k for every positive UZR rating, and $1000 for every confidently screamed F-Yeah, and a 25 man roster spot.
MLB GM: “What constitutes a confidently screamed F-Yeah?”
Scott Boras: “My accountant will be tracking the confidently screamed F-Yeahs.”
MLB GM: “I’ll have my lawyer draw up the contract.”
Scott Boras: “No need, I actually have the contracts for Shaun Yaple and Kenneth Jones drawn up, signed by the two players, and with the bonuses we agreed on. All you have to do is sign here, here, here, here, and here.”
MLB GM: “Uhhh, Okay…Wait, are you sure these are the bonuses we agreed on?”
Scott Boras: “Sign you will. In demand, they are high.”
MLB GM: “Yes, Master Boras. Do you have any clients who actually play baseball?”
Scott Boras: “Of course I do, I have one of the most dominant young closers in baseball, Rafael Soriano. I am sure you are interested…”
….And that is how Master Scott Boras operates.
My favorite Three Bs items of the week.
Best Moment of the Week:
KJ called me at 1AM on Monday morning and awoke me with his musical stylings of this song:
KJ also delivered the quote of the week when describing his actions afterward.
KJ: “It gave me a false sense that I was doing something right.”
Happy New Year!
Baseball Supersedes Pleasntries
Hey all, Check out the new home of “The Three Bs” www.the-three-bs.com. Thanks, Shaun Baseball Supersedes Pleasantries SLY 12/19/10 I woke up this morning to this e-mail from mlb.com, “It is not too early to fantasize about baseball.” When did I stop? I stumbled down the stairs to the kitchen. KJ: “Greinke to the Brew Crew.” KJ did not bother to say good morning. Baseball news always supersedes pleasantries. We got breakfast and made our way to the gym. The conversation naturally turned to Greinke and the Brewers. We have an affinity with Milwaukee as we took a vacation (Yes, we went to Milwaukee for vacation) there in 2009 to watch Los Gigantes take on the Brew Crew. Here is a quick tangent on one of my favorite memories from our Milwaukee trip. KJ, RT, and I were at a bar (surprise) talking to some local females. Here’s the summary of the conversation: Girl#1: “You guys are from California?” Us: “Yes, we are.” Girl#2: “Do you guys surf!!???” KJ: “Actually, the beach is our backyard. We surf every day.” Girl#1: “That’s soooo cool. You guys are way different from the guys here. All they ever want to do is drink beer and watch baseball.” SLY: “Yep, we are way different.” Girl#2: “So what are you guys here for?” KJ: “Watch Los Gigantes and drink beer.” … Our conversation ended shortly after. On the ride to the gym our talk turned from Greinke to Ryan Braun. The Braun conversation started on how we would love to see him patrolling Barry Lamar’s old turf but quickly transitioned to his personality. KJ: “Dude has so much swag.” SLY: “Oozes out of his pores. KJ and I both dig the swag, but Braun has to be one of worst personality/city matches in all of baseball. Milwaukee is a blue collar city. Braun’s clothing company (Remetee) doesn’t even offer a shirt with a collar.
If I were Ryan Braun I would wear a red flannel shirt, tuck it into my wranglers, and ask to be Called The Brauny Man. From my outside prospective it feels like there has to be a real fan/player disconnect. …but that can be said for most stars of Major League Baseball. So why is Ryan Braun on my mind? It is because I know how this story will play out. In 2013, 29 year old Ryan Braun will have a line of .304/.380/.525 with 32 taters and 115 RBI. He will have two years left on his contract. The Ryan Braun trade rumors start. Mlbtraderumors.com goes all ESPN FAVREY and dedicates 40% of their posts to the “Ryan Braun Sweepstakes”. A source notes the Brewers are looking for impact level starting pitching and major league ready position prospects. The 2014 season is played, Braun is not traded. Braun has another monster year .318/.394/.558. The Mlbtraderumor.com cycle starts again. I check the site every 15 minutes for updates (I really should just follow them on twitter). The newest post makes me cringe. December 8th 9:45AM CT: “Dodgers closing in on Braun.” I start to panic. I se The e-mail has apocalyptical overtures. The next update confirms the deed is done. Gross. I hate you Ryan Braun. This is unhealthy. I am worried about a hypothetical situation 4 seasons from now. Los Gigantes are World Series Champs and these are my current thoughts? I need help. In other Dodger news which is not driving me to a therapist, “The Eritrean Cab Driver” (Eugenio Velez) has signed with the Bums. I will not dedicate a column to Velez’s Benedict Arnoldism. …Unless this happens in 2012
Watch your lips on the pine meat. 
nd out a mass e-mail to my friends.
What is She Werth?
Hey All- I have created a new home for “The Three Bs”. It will be hosted at http://www.the-three-bs.com
I would appreciate if you checked it out. Thanks- Shaun
Here at “The Three Bs” we believe that most situations in the world can be related back to baseball.
With that stated, I will break down this off-season’s free agent signings as they relate to men’s relationships with woman in the real world. At 27 years old, I am obviously an expert.
The Team will be the man and the Player will be the woman.
The Boston Red Sox and Carl Crawford (7 years $142 Million):
The Red Sox are a rich and handsome man who has an inferiority complex because of losing every whiffel-ball game to his rival (Yankees) as a child. As an adult, he still feels the need to beat his rival at any cost. If his rival (Yanks) is thinking about breaking up with his longtime girl (Mo Rivera), he will swoop in and try to steal her away. He also wants what his rival wants. He heard his rival took out Ms. Crawford on an expensive date, and the conversation was excellent. He immediately calls Ms. Crawford and makes her an offer she cannot refuse.
Here’s the phone call:
Red Sox: “Look babe, you are smoking hot. I want you. I want you all to myself. We can do this. I’ll make it worth your while. How about I give you $142 million to stay with me for the next 7 years?”
Ms. Crawford: “You’re making a grown woman blush. I don’t know what to say.”
Red Sox: “Say Yes!”
Ms. Crawford: “Yesssss, you made me the happiest girl from Houston.”
The Red Sox got the hottest girl in the free agent class in her prime. Ms. Crawford should age well and still be attractive in the final years. It’s a huge commitment, but will prove to be worth it.
Tick, tick, tick, that’s the sound of your World Series life running out (Yankees).
RIP EUGENE GREER. A.K.A. JORDAN CHASE.
The Washington Nationals and Jayson Werth (7 years $126 Million):
The Nationals are an unattractive overweight man without much personality who recently has inherited substantial wealth. Ms. Werth is attractive, but not beautiful. She would interest most suitors but have turned most of them off because of her exaggerated self worth. The two were set up by a mutual friend (Scott Boras). Ms. Werth showed a enough interest where he thought he might be able to get an nice “old fashion” out of the deal. After Ms. Werth put her hand on his, he blurted:
“7 years for $126 Million.”
Mr. Boras (chaperoning) sitting at the table reached into his pocket and produced a pen. He handed it to Ms. Werth.
Ms. Werth knew she was doing this for money. She sacrificed happiness for everlasting financial freedom.
She never said a word, she just signed the contract.
In the words of the Great Gary Radnich: “126 Million……126 Million….. REALLLYYY? ONNE-HUUUNNDRED TWEEENNNTY-SIX MILLION?”
…and I thought the Aaron Rowand deal was bad in 2008 for Los Gigantes.
For Kicks:
Jayson Werth (2010), 31 Years Old .296/.388/.532 46 2Bs 27 HRs and 85 RBI
Aaron Rowand (2007), 30 Years Old .309/.374/.515 45 2Bs 27 HRs and 89 RBI
Hurry Mr. Harper, you will be needed.
The Philadelphia Phillies and Cliff Lee (5 years $120 Million):
The Phillies are the attractive guy who once used and abused a beautiful girl. Ms. Lee was very good to him, she gave everything she had, and was sent packing. He left Ms. Lee for a very enticing reason (Doc Holladay) but missed her dearly.&n
bsp; He kept thinking what could have been if he kept her around. Ms. Lee was back on the market and had many serious suitors. He thought he had no chance. Her new boyfriend tried to convince her to stay (Rangers) and the super attractive billionaire (Yankees) tried to lure her in. He thought he’d text her on a whim to see if she still had feelings. He knew it was a one-in-a-million chance. But hell, one-in-a-million means there is a chance.
To his surprise, Ms. Lee not only text back but wanted to reconcile. She stated how she longed for the comfort of the love she once knew. She went back to him even though he treated her like a tramp.
The lesson is simple. Girls love ********.
Why play the 2011 season? Just throw the Phills and Red Sox in the series.
The Chicago White Sox and Adam Dunn (4 years $56 Million):
It’s simple. The White Sox are the guy who likes big **** (HRs). Ms. Dunn has big ****. He offered her the most, and she didn’t refuse.
The **** will not sag in Chicago. He will get what he paid for, lots of ****.
The New York Yankees and Derek Jeter (3 years $51 Million):
He has been married to Ms. Jeter for 15+ years, her looks are starting to go, and her spunky personality is getting a little tired. She wants a lavish anniversary present. He usually reserves lavish gifts for girls he is trying to pursue.
He is annoyed that Ms. Jeter still views herself at the peak of powers. Ultimately, he decides that the lavish gift is beneficial over a very messy and public divorce.
Tick, tick, tick, that’s the sound of your World Series life running out (Yankees).
RIP EUGENE GREER. A.K.A. JORDAN CHASE.
The Chicago White Sox and Paul Konerko (3 years $37.5 million):
He has been married to Ms. Konerko for 10+ years and things are going great. The last year might have been their best year of marriage. Ms. Konerko is loyal and just wanted to be treated fairly. He obliged, deal done.
The New York Yankees and Mariano Rivera (2 years $30 Million):
He is gorgeous, she is gorgeous, and they both need each other. Another attractive man tried to swoop in (Red Sox) but He knew it wouldn’t matter. They both wanted and needed each other.
Los Gigantes de San Francisco and Aubrey Huff (2 years 22 Million):
They met by necessity in early 2010. She needed a home, he needed a warm body. Neither was too attracted to each other at first. A funny thing happened over the next year. He realized Ms. Huff had a great personality and looked amazing in a red thong. She realized that she not only had a place to stay but found a home as well. The two will be very happy for the next couple years.
The Los Angeles Dodgers and Juan Uribe (3 years $21 Million):
He watched his biggest rival (Gigantes) reach the pinnacle with Ms. Uribe. She isn’t a natural beauty but can look damn good when she gets made up. Ms. Uribe has never been given a real commitment. He decided to reach out and steal her heart with promises of champagne and beaches. Ms. Uribe decided she “just wanted to chill” and took him up on his offer. Her former lover tried a last second effort to reel her back in but it was too late. The Lebronafication had already set it. She was all set to chill in LaLa land.
The Oakland A’s and Hideki Matsui (1 year $4.25 Million):
He really wanted to get with an Asian. He’s been trying all year. He first tried with a high priced newly imported woman (Hisashi Iwakuma) and then had to settle with the easier target in Ms. Matsui.
Bottom line: He will get into bed with an Asian.
Los Gigantes de San Francisco and Pat Burrell (1 year $1 Million):
He met her at a bar while she was intoxicated with reminisce of puke on her shirt. Considering her state, she didn’t look half bad. He went to her place from the bar as she was “DTF”.
He was a little surprised when she pulled out the gimp suit for him to wear. S&M was new to him, he liked it. He signed up for one more year.
The New York Yankees and Mark Prior (1 year $850k):
He wasn’t that attractive in high school, she was the prom queen. She’s added a good 45lbs to her frame since her prime. He still sees her for what she used to be.
“If she got to the gym she could be smoking hot again.”
The problem is that Ms. Prior hasn’t been to the gym since 2006 (last appearance in MLB) and has no desires to get back. She is happy getting paid on the slight chance she might make it into the gym and get into shape.
Tick, tick, tick, that’s the sound of your World Series life running out (Yankees).
RIP EUGENE GREER. A.K.A. JORDAN CHASE.
BoOoOoO-RRRRIIIBBBEEE
From:
UUUUUUUUUUU-RRRRRRRIIIIBBBEEEEE!!!
UUUUUUUUUUU-RRRRRRRIIIIBBBEEEEE!!!
UUUUUUUUUUU-RRRRRRRIIIIBBBEEEEE!!!
To:
BoOoOoOOOOooOOooOOOOoooOO-RRRRIIIBBBEEE!!!
BoOoOoOOOOooOOooOOOOoooOO-RRRRIIIBBBEEE!!!
BoOoOoOOOOooOOooOOOOoooOO-RRRRIIIBBBEEE!!!
Heck, it might be:
FFFFFFFFFF-UUUUUUUU-RRRRRRIIIBBBEEEEE!!!
FFFFFFFFFF-UUUUUUUU-RRRRRRIIIBBBEEEEE!!!
FFFFFFFFFF-UUUUUUUU-RRRRRRIIIBBBEEEEE!!!
Mr. Happy Jazz Hands left us for the smog infested air of SoCal and the Bums.
Two Ex-Gigantes turned Bums
Say it ain’t so.
Do we dare boo one of our 2010 World Champion heroes?
Hell yes.
I’ll set the stage for FU-ribes return to Pac Bell/SBC/AT&T Park on Monday April 11th 2011. It’ll be the 10th game of the season. This should be a Barry Zito start, but the $126 million dollar singer/songwriter will probably fall into the 2 or 4 spot in the rotation. For this hypothetical, Madison Bumgarner gets the start.
Uribe is in the six hole in Donny Baseball’s lineup.
Top 2nd, nobody on, one out:
Renel Brooks-Moon: Now batting #5, 2nd baseman, Juan Uu-ribe.
(It is painfully obvious that Renel wants to belt out the UUUUUU as she has done the past two seasons, but her heart will not allow her to justify an enthusiastic announcement of a Bum. The announcement is understated and subdued.)
I am in attendance and stand up from my seat. I want to pay my respects (with a golf clap) to a man who gave the fans many thrilling moments the past couple seasons.
I am about to clap when the inebriated man next to me (I am also in such a state) starts to join in an all too familiar chant:
UUUUUUUU-RRIIIBBEE!!!!
…but it is not, it is what we all expected.
BoOoooOOoooooO-RRRIIIBBBEEEE!!!
Before I start to clap, I join the mob.
BoOoooOOoooooO-RRRIIIBBBEEEE!!!
BoOoooOOoooooO-RRRIIIBBBEEEE!!!
Now I am getting into it, alcohol and adrenaline seem to be a good combination (I think I finally get UFC fans).
FFFFFF-UUUUUUUU-RRRRIIIBEE.
Mother sitting behind me: “My children are here. Watch your mouth.”
SLY: “They need to learn hate at an early age.” (Obviously not ready to be a Parent)
Madison gets BoOOo-Ribe to pop up on the first pitch (he was a lot of excited).
…Roar from 41,952.
Top of the 5th, 1 out, runner on first: 2-0 Good Guys.
Renel sounded less enthused with her second announcement of Uribe. She understands he’s gone for good.
BooOooOOooOOoo-Ribe chants are deafening.
On a 2-1 count BoOoooO-Ribe hits a ground ball to his replacement Miguel Tejada. Tejada underhands to Freddy Sanchez at second for the force out and Sanchez throws a strike to Aubrey Huff at 1st to complete the double play.
…Roar from 41,952.
Tejada and Uribe each have a GIDP to end an inning.
Top of the 8th, 2 out, runners on 1st and 2nd: The score is still 2-0 Good Guys.
Renel announces JUUAAAN with high energy as she was accustomed too with a big at bat, she quickly realizes it is for the wrong team and tails off on the Uribe. Renel sighs in disgust.
BoOoOooOOOOoooO-Ribe chants continue.
Boch’s bowed legs take him 21 seconds to make it from the front step of the dugout to the mound to remove Bumgarner after 7 2/3 innings of shut out ball.
Sergio Romo takes the ball.
1st pitch: Fast ball, fouled straight back.
2nd pitch: Slider, wild swing and a miss.
3rd pitch: Fastball inside, get Uribe off the plate.
4th pitch: Slider… hanging slider. Uribe Swings…
I used to love this sight, no more.
All I see is the white palms of Uribe’s batting gloves.
SLY: “Mother F#4%ing Son of a B#$h!”
Mother: “Dead beat Son of a rats Fu*&$ing puke”
(Looks of horror from her children)
41,952 BOOOOOOOOOOOOOS shower Juan as he circles the bases.
3-2 for the Bad Guys.
Donny Baseball goes Jonathan Broxton for the save. Donny remembers the proper rules about visiting the mound this game.
Broxton gets to blow the game all on his own.
Freddy Sanchez does a flip job over Uribe’s head for a single.
Buster Posey (hitting 3rd) takes a walk.
Aubrey Huff hits a ball into triples alley. There is no throw. Posey scores standing.
Good Guys win 4-2.
Suck it Bums.
I stumble my way over to 21st Amendment where KJ and I discuss Juan Uribe as a Dodger. After 5 Brew-Free-Or-Die IPA’s I finally get it:
SLY: “I got it.”
KJ: “What do you got?”
SLY: “I understand why Juan left us?”
KJ: “Why did he?”
SLY: “He has to feed his children.”
KJ: “$3 Million wouldn’t feed his children? That’s a lot of money”
SLY: “$3 Million is a lot to you or me, but to a professional athlete it is not. As we learned from Patrick Ewing, athletes make a lot of money, but they spend a lot of money.”
KJ: “HotLanta Gentlemen Clubs.”
SLY: “Now you understand. He needs that extra money. I’ll break it down for you. Juan signed a 3 year deal. That means at least 3 trips to Atlanta over the next 3 years. That’s 3 opportunities to get himself in trouble at the Gentleman Clubs. I heard a stat on a blog where 1 out of every 3 trips to an Atlanta Gentlemen Club results in a lawsuit of some kind. He really is just protecting himself.”
KJ: “Makes sense to me, if you read it on a blog, it must be true.”
SLY: “Words don’t lie.”
I am certain this is the exact way April 11th, 2011 will play out.
Dodger fans, be warned.
You are bringing in a person who assaults Dodger fans.
He will hit you in the head with a baseball when you are not looking.
Watch the Slow-Mo.
Awesome. J
SLY
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